My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
That was before I lit my hair on fire
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
