Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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