You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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