i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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