Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
We have started to decorate penises.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
