I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
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