I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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