If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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