Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
