Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
