I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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