Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
whose ass print is on the piano?
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
