I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
