The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
