how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
