how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
