i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Randomize
