I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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