Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
You're like the curious george of whores
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
