make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
A bitchslap is in order.
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