i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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