If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
