the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
