When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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