We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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