I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
