Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
