The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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