I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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