it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
