so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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