I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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