My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
