I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
