So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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