Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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