I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
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