Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
