I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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