If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
