I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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