look no pants
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
