Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Randomize
