I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
