im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
