Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
The struggles of a small town man whore
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
