I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
