On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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