i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
