i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
