I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize