I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
