Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
They left me at home... I'm a liability
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize