I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
