Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
