I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
