Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
