Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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