Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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