apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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