i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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