This chick, for whatever reason, has serious "Leave your wife and kids and also break up her young marriage in order to frolick for a good 2 weeks before I realize that she's just like the rest of them and I made a huge mistake and ruined a lot of lives in the process" potential. It's SO INTRIGUING.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I haven't been this sober since birth.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I can't turn off my feet"
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize
