I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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