like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
