I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
When are your genitals available?
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
