i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
