So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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